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Maybe that’s the difference, then I thought I was in love, now…I stammer, not knowing what to say and you move closer to me. You hand now is gently rubbing the thigh under my skirt. I blurt out”I think I am, but I just don’t know if this is what I want or should have or…” and my thoughts and my voice trail off. I’m at a crossroads. I really don’t know.I think I love you, but I don’t know if I want to touch you and have you touch me back. I can feel my nipples growing hard and lengthening. I feel myself swelling and opening…my breath becoming shorter. I can smell myself as my wetness seeps into my panties. My body seems to have made up its mind, but I, me, Sandy, I just don’t know.You sense my ambivalence, my longing, my fear. I see passion in your eyes, but I see compassion, too. You are soooo sweet…”I understand; sometimes it’s so hard to know, but maybe this will help.” You move to the left a little and rest your back against a chair, facing me. Your hand goes to your white cotton. “Even in the healthiest of women, there’s a fifteen to twenty percent chance it can happen. It could have been a bad egg or defective sperm,”“No,” I butted in, “those were both great.”Mom smiled and lifted her arm up to hold my cheek in her hand. Caressing the top of it with her thumb, she just looked so caringly into my eyes.“Can I try for another one,” I asked not sure whether I was joking fully or not. Mom immediately choked and proceeded with coughing. A few seconds after not being able to bring her voice back, she shook her head left and right.As much as I had warmed up to expecting a baby, the most horrible feeling I had ever felt of a little bit of relief was inside me. I hated myself so much for that. Mom moved her hand down to my knee.“Let’s wait until you get married first,” she cleared her throat with. I had to agree with her there. Only within the time span of the hundred years it would take me to find a husband would I be able to trust my body again to attempt another.
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